Friday, December 15, 2006


Lucifer is a lollipop.


I could be described as Chestertonesque. That is to say, I'm Catholic and overweight; I don't pretend to be nearly as smart.

I could also be described as Buonoesque. That is to say, I can write a little and act a little and I'm overweight; I don't pretend to be nearly as witty.

Fat Man's Prayer

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!
But at my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be sated,
that my soul may be polyunsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice
but, cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with the Saints in Heaven
In a shining robe--size 37.

I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.
If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
of pasta a la Milannaise
potatoes a la Lyonnaise
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth!

~ By Victor Buono ~

As I prepare to surround myself with all the temptations a fat man is subject to this holiday season, and knowing of no patron saint for fat middle-aged farts on diets - more or less - I'd like to appeal to Victor Buono, assuming he's in a position to help out, of course.

My aunt makes chocolate chip cookies like Lays Potato Chips. No-one can eat just one...

"Deck the halls with buckets of eggnog,
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la!"

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